Well, I’ll tell you this. Deciding to write weekly recaps the season episodes became 90 minutes was not my best plan. I now understand why Johnny Bananas repeats so many jokes; it’s hard to be funny week after week.
After everyone returns to the house, Cara tells Ninja “that’s how you fight for your country” as if A) this were a real war, and B) Ninja didn’t just compete against another member of Team USA. The next several minutes of conversation feel pretty ominous for Johnny Bananas – and they’re really frustrating to watch. Everyone is making shady deals and turning on their own team, but they all act like victims when it comes down to it.
Josh being pulled between Bananas and Paulie is just sad to watch, and I don’t even like Josh. Josh obviously doesn’t want to put a target on his back with Bananas, but he feels like he has to team up with Paulie since they’re real life friends. They argue about him like he’s not there – and considering Josh is 42 years old, it’s borderline pathetic. (Seriously, Jimmy Carter was elected President the year Josh was born.) Just so we’re all on the same cringey page, Georgia is 24.
Bananas had to know this deal with Paulie was absolute bull shit, right? Either way, Cara is pissed and once again these two love birds don’t appear to be on the same page. Everyone shakes hands and decides Paulie will be the speaker, and much like that time I tried to give up iced coffee, this plan is totally f*cked.
“He’s a professional persuasive con-artist” – a thing Cara definitely said but I can’t remember if it was about Bananas or Paulie.
CT tells his team that they’re not actually doing that bad, and if they stopped chugging pinot grigio every night they might actually be able to win a few challenges. I know he must be frustrated with his losing team, but at least he’s not spending his days in Thailand arguing over who is more trustworthy between Darth Vader and Voldemort.
Time for another daily challenge, and another obvious dubbing by TJ of “War of The Worlds 2” over “Bloody Hell.” To several people’s chagrin, it’s more swimming! If any challengers are reading this (doubtful) please learn how to swim. Swimming challenges are not going anywhere and you’re subjecting yourself to be berated by Zach by continuing to suck. Although, in fairness to swimming, Zach will likely berate you for something no matter what.
The usual suspects do well Jordan, Bananas, CT – but a few people surprise us here. Nicole took a long time to find the courage to make that jump, but once she started swimming, she took off. Major credit to Josh too, he was well under 4 minutes. For as much shit as I give the guy, that was an impressive performance. (FYI – the next time y’all want to say I’m too mean, please know, I deleted a 4 minute sex joke from this paragraph.)
I just want to point out that Johnny’s joke about needing a sundial sounds funny at first, but ultimately makes zero sense. You can’t record time any slower or faster depending on what you use to tell time… time is time, John. It’s like that “pound of feathers or a pound of bricks” riddle. Again, I acknowledge it’s hard to constantly spit out zingers, but at least keep the “time is a flat circle” crowd out of this. Personally, I’m going to go with “Good thing we have these 90-minute episodes now so we have enough time to watch Esther complete this challenge.”
Team USA wins and as planned, Paulie becomes the Speaker. He takes Cara and Jordan with him and the plan for to blindside Bananas is fully in motion. Team UK has their nomination meeting and thanks to Rogan I hear the phrase “swing ya dick about” two more times than I ever needed to. Theo is becoming paranoid and tries to talk his way out of an elimination, but it doesn’t work and he’s going in. When asked by the Tribunal who he wants to see in an elimination, you’ll notice he doesn’t say Rogan’s name first. He says CT (along with some bullshit about how he doesn’t deserve to go to a final) and Idris. I only point out the Rogan thing because if I were in Theo’s shoes, I’d want to go against the guy I had beef with all season so far, beat him, and then go back to the house to swing my dick about. (okay I admit, it’s kind of fun to say.)
Bear is mad about his BFF Theo getting nominated and says, “if you want to get to Theo, you’ll have to go through ME.” Considering Bear wrestles with 15-year-old girls to get in his cardio, this is not a statement that scares me. I know their alliance was strong last season, but this is a different game this season, and if they can’t evolve, they’re going to be backed into a corner the entire time.
Theo says within ear shot of CT that he wants to go against him in an elimination, and CT reacts with the same “are you f*cking kidding me” look that I had. There are a lot of things I want to do with CT; an elimination is NOT one of them. Honestly, bottomless mimosas is at the top of the list. Please notice that behind this CT/Theo conversation, Paulie is standing with his arm around Bananas. Big yikes.
Do y’all feel like the cast is at out at bars and clubs a lot more this season? Nothing like adding lots and lots of tequila to a high stress environment. Here’s the gist of it all: Rogan strips for Dee and she puts dollar bills in his underwear. No judgement at all Dee, Soderbergh directed Magic Mike for a reason. Zach apologizes to Ninja for berating her, but Zach has been yelling at women on The Challenge for ages, so I’ll believe it when I see it. Bananas seems to know he’s going in and is already planning a switch to Team UK. Cara senses that Josh is like, 10 minutes away from asking Johnny for his autograph, and decides to do some old school cry-paigning. (Did I just make up a word? Someone let me know) Honestly y’all, I LOVE the grin her face as she walks down the stairs. That’s some old school challenge shit right there, and it’s nice to see Cara make a game-move for herself, and herself only.
Paulie, Jordan and Tori have a meeting where Paulie takes .04 seconds to throw Cara under the bus. Seriously – are they just dating to eventually be on Exes 3? I’m pretty sure Paulie knew he was going to throw Bananas in during this conversation. Dee and Rogan chat, but I can’t remember what they talked about because Dee looked so damn pretty that’s all I could focus on.
Off to the Proving Ground! Thank God the Paulie episode is almost over!
Jordan votes Rogan, Cara votes Bananas, and Paulie votes Bananas. My eyes rolled so far back in my head during Paulie’s “I-wanna-be-Tony-Raines-so-bad” speech, I was worried they were going to get stuck back there. TJ basically says “weird flex, but okay” in response to them sending in Bananas, and I agree that it was stupid. However, I’m mostly just thankful that Paulie and Cara didn’t make a “we’re voting Kyle in, and he knows why” speech.
After last week, we deserved a clean-cut, clear winner elimination. Spoiler alert, that’s not what we got. Locked in a small cage, Theo and Bananas have to roll their cages to each checkpoint and place a small numbered ball at the corresponding stop. Bananas, after saying roman numerals are hard to read, gets his numbers confused. However, instead of letting him finish, TJ tells him part of the way through the elimination that he got his numbers wrong. Whether you hate him or love him, it’s not as fun watching Bananas go home on a mistake like this. His last few eliminations have included this cage match, identifying countries on a world map, holding his arms above his head, stacking bricks in water, “Lights Out” against Devin, and something called “the Reel World” on Dirty 30 that I don’t even remember (Editors Note: this was the loss vs Derrick). Can we get this man a Pole Wrestle or a Hall Brawl or something?
Well, Bananas is going home early again. In something that I’m going to call the “Chad Ceremony”, he takes his shirt off to give to Team UK, and I’m certain that Josh is going to track it down and sleep with it. Have you noticed that just about every elimination ends with the winner pretending they’re going to switch teams? Everyone tried to out-do the person’s speech from the week before. It’s lame, yes, but it does set up a pretty epic surprise when someone finally does it. Until then, we’ll watch everyone briefly cry wolf. Theo goes back to Team UK, so expect some fireworks there when we return next week!
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